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Don't y'all think jokes are too short...or they're long but the only funny part
is the last line...well then there are FUNNY STORIES. Here you can find a few
of the coolest stories ever to be read.
These stories are fun to read or to put in a diary to show your friends or hang em
in the bathroom..so if people are doing the peristaltic tango, they can read, laugh
and loose all that's inside.
Well actually...I don't care what you do with them!!!
Things to think about...
Did u ever wonder :Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it? If light travels faster than sound isnt that why some people appear bright before you hear them speak? Why is the word abbreviated such a long word? Why do u press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Well since the americans throw rice at wedding do orientals throw hamburgs? .Why do they call apartments when thir all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?. Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Why does banks charge you a non sufficient fund fee on money they already know you dont have? Why is it you have a pair of pants and only one bra? If you get into a taxi, and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?. When 2 air planes almost collide, Why do they call it a near miss? Sounds like a near hit to me! Why do scientist call it research when they are looking for something new? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil,where does it go? When a door is opened, its ajar, but when a jar is opened, its not a door. Tell a man there are 400 billion stars he will believe you, tell him a bench has wet paint,he has to touch it. Do infants have as much fun in thir infancy as adults do in adultery? Why do we wash bath towels, arent we clean when we use them? Doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle. War doesnt determine whose right, only whose left.
Hell
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
My dog, Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually called him "Rover" or "Spot". I called my dog Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dogs license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said ,"I would like to have one too!" Then I said , " But she is a dog!" He said he didn�t care what she looked like . I said , " You don�t understand . I have had Sex since I was nine years old. " He replied , " You must have been quite a strong boy."When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said," But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn�t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said," You don�t understand . Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said ,"Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. " You don�t understand," I said, " I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, " Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O�clock in the morning. I said," I�m looking for Sex" My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I�ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me," What seems to be the trouble?" I replied," Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn�t live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said," look mister, you should understand that sex isn�t a mans best friend so get yourself a dog."